Part 7- The Three Worlds: Survival, Emotional, and Practical
HOW TO KNOW WHEN THE EW IS “IN THE ROOM”
A dozen years ago or so, my wife Penny and I were preparing to go to our respective offices in downtown Palo Alto. At the front door, she turned to me and asked if I had any openings in my busy schedule. “Ten o’clock,” I responded. She said, “ Oh good. I have some things I need to talk to you about. I’ll call you at ten.”
My stomach seized up slightly and a vague sense of apprehension spread through me. I saw my nine o’clock person but was aware of being mildly distracted as my mind reviewed what “sins” I may have recently committed in our relationship and how best to gird my loins.
The ten o’clock hour arrived and I sat near my phone with apprehensive anticipation; palms slightly damp. It didn’t ring. I waited. Finally, at 10:15, I put a leash on my little (seven-pound) cock-a-poo, Tiramisu, and headed down the short block to Penny’s office. Gridley would have been proud. I felt as if I was riding into “the valley of the shadow of the EW.” My wife had used one the most powerful cues that she and I were going to be in the EW: “We need to talk.”
Her waiting room door was open and I walked through into her main office. Looking up from her computer, she exclaimed, “Oh thank you. I had completely forgotten. I have a few case questions I need to ask you.”
My mind screamed in relief, “Case questions! Case Questions! I love case questions, I’ll talk about cases all day,” as I said, “Great!” and sat down. We proceeded to talk about cases for the next half hour. I’m a guy. I love the PW.
My relief at finding out that I did not need to go the EW is telling. The truth is I am more than willing to go into the EW with any of my loved ones, friends, or family at any time (unless the house is burning down or I’m about to meet the king of Sweden to receive the Nobel Prize). I am glad to do the same with my patients. Of course, with them it is more one sided as there is much of my own vulnerability that I do not reveal in that context. That is my commitment and I have learned a lot of my own lessons and feel “comfortable with being uncomfortable.” That doesn’t mean I don’t still feel “gun shy” when it appears. I do.
VULNERABILITY IS THE KEY
Throughout my writings on the EW, I emphasize the concept of discomfort as being a sure sign that it is “in the room.” Why? The answer is simple and yet complex to understand. The simple answer is that when the EW appears it also heralds the presence of emotional vulnerability. Most of us have qualms about being vulnerable or being in the presence of someone else who is. Vulnerability is a powerful stimulus and begs a response.
In the scenario above, I thought my wife was saying to me, “I need to talk to you later. When I do, I will be sharing my vulnerability. This will have to do with some past behavior on your part so you can expect to be criticized or feel as if you are being criticized.” This was very uncomfortable, not life threatening or a grave threat to my ego, but uncomfortable.
This type of feeling uncomfortable is one of the surest signs the EW is “in the room,” present at this very moment. It can be mild discomfort or severe, but as long as it is in the EW, no extraordinary behaviors (like attack or avoid) are called for. We can only deal with the EW in the here and now. Because no one dies there and no great fortunes are lost there, we can postpone it for a later time as well as devote ourselves to resolve it in the present moment. The important issue is to affirm its presence, not discount it. “I can see you are upset,” “I’m sorry you feel frightened,” “You glow when you are this happy,” “I’m glad you are saying something. Things have felt off,” “I can feel how important this is,” “I cannot only see your joy, I feel it.” etc.
Collectively, all of these statements and others like them say, “I see you are having an important emotional moment and I am not going to deny it or try to fix it.” In other words, “I see you as you are in this moment, not as how I wish you to be.”
Vulnerability is uncomfortable (even if you have great confidence that all is well and all will end well). That does not mean it is bad or to be avoided. It is paramount to not avoid it or attack it. It is important to understand this discomfort. When the discomfort is in the EW, there is no action to take immediately and strenuously (SW) or is there a problem that needs to be fixed (PW) by applying technical skill, logic, and facts.
The EW is a Process World. It is a World in which we can discover more about ourselves and more about the internal lives of our loved ones. But, in order to “stay in the room,’ we have to be able to handle feeling vulnerable, to be comfortable being uncomfortable (the #1 skill in the EW).
It is easy to understand why people will resort to attacking or avoiding when this kind of discomfort comes up. Wanting to “win” an argument seems intuitive and natural. “Did you hear how unfair what he said was?” “Well, here are the facts as I see them,” etc. It makes sense to want to avoid such a dread filled event. “It is like putting my hand into a pit of burning coals and picking one of them up,” “If I go there, I think I will die,” “I’d sooner jump into a nest of snakes,” etc.
I watched an interview with Roger Federer a few years ago the evening before a championship match at the American Open in New York City. Federer and the interviewer were sitting in the empty stadium on the court in front of the 70,000 seats that would be full the next day. The interviewer asked him, “Will you feel afraid when you come on court tomorrow?” To which he responded, “I will feel afraid, but it is a type of fear I have worked for many years to get to.” In other words he said, “Sure, but it is a type of fear that I want because it means I am in the championship court and I want to be there.”
How many of us are able to say to ourselves in moments of conflict or emotional disclosure that this is a type of discomfort that we want, that we have sought, and is confirming to us that we are deeply significant to another human being? How many of us have heard another human say to us in a moment of painful vulnerability, “I can’t fix this or make it go away, but there is no place on earth I would rather be in this moment, being here with you.”
I asked one of my Type A groups recently this question: “On a scale of one to ten, with ten being very safe, how comfortable are you at being vulnerable with someone in your EW?” One man joked pointedly, “Below zero!” Most reported scores well below five. Then I asked them to consider this question without asking them to verbally answer: “On that same scale how safe do your loved ones feel at the thought of sharing their vulnerability with you?”
The key understanding about the EW is that it always involves vulnerability. So does the SW. But SW vulnerability is actually dreadful and can be full of terror. It is not a type of vulnerability that one wants and the legitimate desire is to have a good outcome as soon as possible.
The PW can present us with moments of stunning vulnerability especially when great material loss (real or imagined) or a loss of status (real or imagined) could be at hand. There are PW sayings for this kind of vulnerability, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen,” “We’ll win it the next time,” “You’re nobody until you have lost a job and recovered,” etc.
EW vulnerability is not dreadful or dangerous (no matter how it “feels”). It’s uncomfortable because few things are as stimulating or arousing as the vulnerability that accompanies the appearance of the EW (see my article on Tap Roots). It’s true.
If I am about to lose a fortune on the stock market, my home has been foreclosed on, or a family member is very ill, it is not too difficult to discern why one would feel vulnerability. It is more mysterious when you have said something supposedly innocent only to have the person across from you suddenly in tears or storming from the room. Those are signs that the EW is “in the room.”
“But I didn’t say anything to hurt the other person, at least I didn’t mean to.” That is as helpful as saying, “I didn’t mean to be standing under the tree that fell on me.” Things happen. We never know how a stimulus will be received in the EW. It is an entirely non-linear World. Entirely.
Properly understood, it is a kind of discomfort that we want because resolving feelings in the EW is the great opportunity to feel healed and to be healing for someone else. Few things are as healing as being affirmed and shown compassion. Besides, in some manner we have said to the other person, “I’ll be there for you for better or worse, when things feel good, and especially when they don’t.”
I’m appreciative when my home is repaired or my car is restored, but I don’t experience healing from those PW services. When I found out years ago when a biopsy came back negative, I felt as if a terror had been removed from my life, but I didn’t feel healed from what seemed to me to be a near scrape with the SW.
Healing in relationships comes from a very particular kind of presence that is only possible in the EW. For most of us, it is not a type of presence that is intuitive, but we can learn it. It is possible to be literate in the EW. I will talk about that in my next post on Warmth, Empathy, and Non-Intuitive Responses.
Following that article, I will then turn our attention to the three types of relationships that can exist in the EW: Healing, Limp-Along, and Destructive. The goal of this work is to teach about the nature of Healing Relationships and how to move from either the Limp-Along or Destructive Relationships in the direction of Healing. The simple and very complex key to this quest is being competent, present, and compassionate in the EW.
ADDENDUM
I had originally begun writing an additional section to this paper and had entitled it “Major Prompts to Vulnerability.” I began listing things that could prompt our feelings of vulnerability, some of them obvious and intuitive, and others that were not necessarily associated with the feeling of vulnerability.
At the point where I decided to drop that idea, I had already listed these as powerful prompts to bring the EW “into the room:” criticism, conflict, praise, fear of seeming incompetent, the happiness of other people, love, joy, failure, and success.
It became clear that the list is actually endless. It is also clear that what prompts one person to feel vulnerable will not be a prompt for someone else. The EW is recognizable, not necessarily predictable. The same movie that provokes one person to tears of joy leaves another unfazed***.
The most interesting thing about the list is that it contained both “bad” stimuli and “good.” We cannot predict what will prompt us into the EW and its concurrent vulnerability. We can recognize when it is present.
Again, I have been helped by feedback from my readers in understanding where this material can be difficult to grasp. I think it would help to review the role of vulnerability in each of The Three Worlds:
Survival World: This World always involves vulnerability, but it is not a type we wish to have because it often involves terror for ourselves or for someone precious to us. Vulnerability in this World is often disabling and it is why we call 911 (or take equivalent action) to get someone on the scene as quickly as possible who will be clear headed, know what needs to be done, and will not be hobbled by anxiety. Obviously, the EW is present when the SW is present, but it has no importance because this is a World defined by action directed at a successful outcome, not empathy. When it has passed (good or bad outcome) or has been contained to a more chronic state, then there will be a natural emergence of the EW where empathy and compassion are great balms.
SW Goal: To eliminate the feeling of vulnerability
Emotional World: We only “do” this World with those we love and who love us. Vulnerability is actually a treasure in this World because it allows us to share our joy and feel that of others. It is a healing World because when painful vulnerability is present it allows us to receive consolation or to give it. It is a World where we do not need to mask our emotions because the atmosphere can be one of warmth, safety, and acceptance. This allows us to resolve our feelings, not suppress them or deny them. Feelings can be resolved in this World, but they cannot be fixed as our loved ones are just that and not appliances. Very few of us argue with our toasters or try to get them to feel better.
EW Goal: To create safety to express vulnerability
Practical World: It is often an asset in this World to not show vulnerability, even when one might be feeling the presence of the EW. This is a World of facts, schedules, time awareness, and planning. This is a World where things are fixed or produced. If one is playing poker it is disadvantageous to show emotion, whether it be disappointment from holding a poor hand or exultation from holding a superior one. Practical things get done in this World. Emotions cannot be resolved nor are they the center of attention. The task at hand is the focus. “Winning the pot” is the goal not self-sharing. A lot of the PW is very much like playing poker, where we show our public self much more readily than our intimate self.
PW Goal: To be discreet in expressing vulnerability
***A decade ago, my wife Penny and I were watching the movie, Cinderella Man (2005), in our family room, just the two of us. It is a story set in the Great Depression about an ex-boxer played by Russell Crowe. He is a day laborer and doing poorly when he gets the opportunity to reengage with boxing. He does and wins a surprise victory and continues to fight and win. He is the little guy, “the Cinderella Man” who rises from the ashes against great odds. He becomes the hero of his fans most of whom have been financially devastated and feel downtrodden.
As the movie proceeds toward the climactic fight, I found myself in tears, sobbing actually. Why? I finally understood my father’s devoted interest in watching boxing matches. I like to say we only got our first TV much later than everyone else in the neighborhood because of the Friday Night Fights sponsored by the Gillette Razor Co. It’s important to understand that my father, the quiet public servant, devoted his life to founding unemployment security in the state of West Virginia and throughout the country. He was the quintessential New Deal Democrat.
Watching Cinderella Man I suddenly understood at a visceral level what the fights had meant to my father (from a beautiful but very poor county) and many of his generation. As I wept, Penny came over, sat beside me and stayed. She understood.
The resolution of grief has many strands and can extend throughout a lifetime. It allowed me to know my father more intimately and for my admiration of him to deepen. Did I mention that “feeling intimate” is a strong prompt to be in the EW and to feel vulnerable? It is. And I was safe. My wife put her arm around me and waited for the feelings to resolve. They did.
(This particular article was not in my “plan” and would not have come about without crucial feedback from my friend, Mark Lurie. Because of his close reading of the articles in this series and his own honesty, he was able to tell me he could not discern when the EW was “in the room.” He needed more “clues.” With this article I have sought to remediate that, at least somewhat. This article is dedicated to him.)