The Two Kinds of Time
ORDINARY AND EXTRAORDINARY
IN THE TIME OF CORONAVIRUS
Shortly after the 9/11 crisis, I sat down in my mother-in-law’s back yard at her picnic table and wrote a long letter to all of the one hundred or so men who were in my Type A Behavior Modification groups. I basically told them that we were going through a terrible time in our history, truly terrible. I also told them that the upset caused by the attacks and their aftermath was not worth anyone’s life. By that, I was asking them to soothe themselves, not give in to their free-floating hostility and thereby avoid the possibility of triggering a heart attack.
In that letter, I shared with them the concepts of ORDINARY TIME and EXTRAORDINARY TIME. I met Dr. Friedman in late 1989 or early 1990. Soon after that auspicious meeting, I was working for his institute helping to modify the Type A Behavior (TAB) of our research volunteers. There were 3,000 of them, 1,500 in treatment and 1,500 as controls. Eventually, I was conducting eight of the treatment groups, about twelve men in each group. We met for five years.
One of the first things that struck me about this population (of which I am one) was their relationship to time. By this I don’t mean the obvious issue: the Time Urgency (TU) that drives their sense of impatience as they try to hurry what cannot be hurried, like a traffic jam. TU was well known and was a major focus of modification.
No, it is what I call their misidentification of time; that is, what sort of time they find themselves in at any given moment. Here is what struck me: they tended to act like Extraordinary Time was present during Ordinary Time or, vice versa, to act as IF it was Ordinary Time when Extraordinary Time was present. They had an upside down relationship with time. I’ll explain.
Of this aspect, one of my colleagues, Virginia Price, commented, “The quintessential man who has Type A Behavior hears about his father’s death in the morning and then goes into the office to get things straight before departing.” This was an echo of what I was seeing.
By my reckoning, there are just these two kinds of time. The important issue is to be able to recognize which is present so that we can be “obedient” to the type of time we find ourselves in.
ORDINARY TIME (OT)
Fortunately, most of the time in our lives is composed of what I call Ordinary Time (OT). By Ordinary, I mean that there is nothing of special note taking place, either good or bad. We are in OT when the necessities of life are not threatened nor are the lives of our friends and loved ones. We are fundamentally secure, if not trouble free. We might have more credit card debt than we wish or we might have a child who is facing social hardship or not doing well in school. But the basics are in place. There may be lots of issues in the world about us and far away that we wish were different, but those issues are not in our immediate vicinity in the moment. This is OT.
When I am talking about these concepts to a group, I will pose this question on the board:
What is our number one duty in Ordinary Time? ____________________
Needless to say, this generates great conversations and lots of thoughts about the answer. The answer I provide is: “To enjoy our lives.” I hasten to explain that I am not advocating a frivolous approach to our time nor am I implying that life should somehow be a party. I am emphasizing that it is a great skill to be able to put things into perspective so that when things are 90% good, I am not waiting until they are 98% or 100% before I enjoy the time I am in. “Good enough is good enough.” This is especially important for those folks who are waiting for 105%! Or for those who say, “I’ll get to enjoying my life when things settle down.” Good luck. My late colleague, Dr. Virginia Price frequently asked the question, “What are you putting off waiting for things to settle down?”
I emphasize the concept of enjoyment because we can only do that activity in the present. One of the curses of TAB is that it compels people out of the present moment into a headlong thrust toward the future or to retreat into the past ruing previous events and decisions and feeling badly. Either way, they aren’t “here.” Enjoyment is not only a present-centered activity, but also one in which we strengthen skills and abilities that are necessary to have on board when Extraordinary Time (ET) presents itself.
To this end, I explain below what I believe to be our five most important (probably lots more I am overlooking) pursuits in OT. I consider these to be the essential components for the enjoyment of life. These are the things we must consciously and consistently practice. In no particular order, they are…
Gratitude. There is a saying I repeat to folks often, “No thankfulness, no happiness.” This means you can be the world’s richest person living in the most enviable circumstances possible and, without gratitude there will be no happiness. There might be smugness and superiority, but those feelings are about as far as one can get from feeling happy. This is because contentment is a skill, not the outcome of circumstance. One of my pastors once said, “We are not grateful because we are happy; we are happy because we are grateful.” An essential skill in life is to deeply wish for what one already has. It cures envy.
Dependence. This word is anathema to some and a harbinger of something very negative to others. Think about it. The word has gotten a bad rap in the past thirty or so years. There is great horror in being “co-dependent.” There is truth to that. I help people all the time who are dependent in a way that is not healing. There is an old joke: “How can you diagnose a true co-dependent? Someone else’s life flashes before their eyes when they are dying.” But there is another very important and life-saving side. This is what Dr. Freidman referred to as “The Sweetness of Dependency.” We are deeply dependent. The issue is whether it is healthy and we enjoy it, not whether we are. Being consciously dependent is one of life’s great joys.
Spirituality. This is a tricky word for lots of people. “You’re not tying to cram religion down my throat, are you?” No, but I do like Annie Lamott’s comment, “Religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell; spirituality is for people who have been there.” If you will, we need to have something that connects us to the numinous, to mystery, to something larger than we can conceive. We need to feel awe, whether standing in nature or in a cathedral. In so many ways, this cures us of the sense that we have control of ultimate things. This allows for a necessary transition for enjoyment to take place: we exchange control for trust. Trust might actually be a sixth element in this list. A very good piece of research was done a few years ago on the power of prayer. There were the people being prayed for and the people doing the praying. The people being prayed for showed no discernible benefit, but the people doing the praying did. Think about it.
Perspective. I have often referred to TAB as, “An illness of perspective.” We need to practice putting things into perspective. For an awful lot of us, we use our level or arousal to tell us how important something is. The problems with that are legion, but the most important one is that our arousal is often not attached to our prefrontal cortex. Something may be very distressing, but not actually rate more than a “2” on a scale of “1-10.” Just as we have to practice assessing and labeling the two types of time, so we need to practice putting things on a scale and let that dictate our response, not our arousal.
Affection. It may sound odd as an assignment, but we need to practice having affection at the center of our lives. Since I reference TAB so often in these writings, I will tell you that there is one necessary curative for that behavior syndrome: affection. And it is more specific than that; it is the acceptance of affection, of the unconditional. It seems natural for so many to be preoccupied with upset and irritation. We need to be preoccupied with affection. And we need to practice the words of affection and the actions. If spoken words of love are missing from your lexicon that can be corrected. Just start saying it a lot.
The practice of these five things in Ordinary Time rewards us in many ways. The first is that they allow us to actually enjoy our lives, to live some moments in the present. Remember the old saying, “It is difficult to get from eating tomorrow’s soup.” Consciously being happy in an imperfect moment allows us to create memories that will be “in the bank” when difficulty arrives. It was Keats who said, “God gave us memory so we can have roses in the winter.”
Speaking of “the bank,” practicing these skills allows us to create margin in our lives in our emotional bank. The person with an adequate money bank account is in much better shape to weather a crisis than someone without. In the same way, we can “bank” lots of the above so there is something to “call in” when the time demands it.
Another important aspect of this practice is that it solidly puts in place skills that we need when ET appears, whether it is either of the two types: ET good or ET bad. We can acquire some of these skills during Extraordinary Time, but it is far better to have them on hand before and have the practice of them.
It is difficult in the fresh storm of adrenaline to come up with a novel way of conducting business, just as it is difficult to change out of the habit of “not feeling” when times of joy are upon us. We have to practice and practice the skills of OT so they are in place when ET appears.
EXTRAORDINARY TIME (ET)
As mentioned just above, there are two types of Extraordinary Time: Good and Bad. ET good is when there is a wedding, a graduation, a bar mitzvah, a special birthday, a birth, or other good news, expected or not. A phone call cannot not only immediately alter our lives in a negative manner it can also do the opposite. Suddenly, an average day becomes a celebration to be savored.
If we have been practicing the “discipline” of enjoying life, the transition into happiness cannot be done seamlessly, as the daily routines are set aside in order to take in the richness of the moment. And those moments taken in become memories to return to. This has to do with the ability to switch, which will be discussed later in this post.
This post is being written at this time because the world itself finds itself in ET bad because of Covid-19. Just as there are two kinds of time there are also two kinds of ET bad: Acute and Chronic. The most obvious example of ET acute is hearing of a sudden death of a dear one or the news that someone you love is perilously ill. I use these examples for ET chronic: someone is in a coma with no predictable outcome; or you are in that period of time of grief following the death of a precious and irreplaceable person.
In the cases of both ET good and ET bad, there is a common appropriate response: normal life does not go on as usual. The man who hears of his father’s death should not go near his office. He needs to go, to be with family and comfort and to be a comfort. The Practical World will wait and will always be there. In like kind, the father who is about to walk down the aisle with his daughter at her wedding will implant a forever memory in her mind if he takes just a minute on the phone to complete a really important deal.
Intense and lasting memories emerge from what we say and do in ET, either good or bad. The priority is the event and our appropriate response to it. We must do our best to banish denial. Practical concerns are set aside. We must double our use of the five skills and all the riches accumulated from them over time. We must seal off the event from everyday concerns, caring and being cared for at a funeral; or saying and doing everything appropriate at the wedding and all its activities so wonderful memories are created.
Now this brings me to ET bad chronic. Unless you are ill or have a loved one acutely ill from Covid-19, this time in the life of our world is the chronic form. We do not know all of the outcomes at this point. The world is in a “coma.” So, what do we do in this situation currently being shared by people all over the world?
There are three necessary and conscious guidelines we need to adhere to:
We need to do our best to go back into the activities of OT; that is the active pursuit of finding enjoyment in our lives through Gratitude, Affection, Perspective, Spirituality, and Dependence. We need to “double” these. One of the most frequent refrains I have heard in the past two weeks is people expressing their gratitude for what they do have.
Equally important, we must plant it firmly in the front and back of our minds that we are in the chronic phase of ET. This is necessary so that we can be conscious of our needs and the needs of others. This promotes a kind of grace and can protect us and protect our loved ones from undue criticism for being less productive or for being more distracted, anxious, tired, or depressed.
Use your memory as a resource and use the “lens of admiration.” So often I see people (myself included) using their memory as a source of bitterness, pessimism, or a reason to be angry or disappointed at themselves. Our memories are more than a cesspool. Instead of criticism, use what I call the “Lens of Admiration” to look at your past. It will be suddenly illuminated with dozens of examples of your courage, your stamina, your good intentions, and your ability to withstand and overcome trauma. Properly observed, your memory is a garden of triumph and a record of the admirable qualities you possess. And you possess all of that in this current moment, both for yourself and your loved ones. Your memories can educate you about the true nature of your character. You’re not perfect? Join the crowd.
And then there is this quandary: What do you do when ET good happens in the middle of all this? I have the most wonderful pictures from Rome. The youngest son (my “nephew”) of dear friends graduated with his Masters degree. He received his degree dressed in Italian graduation garb in front of his computer screen in his parents’ home. Another shot shows them opening a bottle of Prosecco in celebration. Life goes on.
SWITCHING
It is actually important to say to oneself, “This is Ordinary Time,” or “This is Extraordinary Time.” Why? Because; it is so habitual for so many of us to mix up the two. As I said at the beginning, I was astonished at the mix-up in others and in myself. This was so automatic that there was no choice. Habits are very durable.
By naming by name the type of time we are in, we create choice. We can’t change a habit until we have some inkling of choice; otherwise our behavior is normal. Once we actually know what type of time we are in, then we have the choice to be “obedient” to the behavior fitting the type of time.
The theme of Switching will be the subject of my fifth post on the Three Worlds Concept, when I get back to it. Just as with time, it is imperative to know which world, Survival, Emotional, or Practical is present since each demands vastly different responses.
Just as we cannot sit by the bed of someone in a coma for days on end, so we also need to not keep the “coma” of CNN or FOX news playing without interruption. ET bad and chronic is here. A loved one really is in a coma; our world. Neither bad nor chronic will pass any more quickly because we pass out by the hospital bed or have insomnia from news overload.
The directive is clear. Take all care. Follow all instructions for your safety and that of your loved ones. And find your way back to OT and its enjoyments for the sake of your soul and for the sake of those around you. The world never changed more rapidly because I was maintaining a panic attack. I know. I tried often enough! Be obedient.
IN THIS TIME
We each have our own ways to comfort ourselves in times of stress. I do my best to follow my own advice in this post. I also have a treasure house that is open to me. I hope you do too. My treasure comes from the recorded history of my family in WV, ancient by American standards, not so much by Asian or European ones. Proudly showing my family’s 250 years old barn to an Italian friend, I said, “You don’t seem that impressed.” She said, “John, in my country something is not old until it is 500 years old.”
I am fortunate to know much of my family history back through six generations. The summary of that history is hard work, faith, perseverance, unbelievable hardship and suffering, failure, and renewal. It is like knowing the history of my country, surviving wars pestilence, depression. hunger, and injustice.
I love the story of the eighty-year old man who showed up in Huntersville, WV (well, it was still VA then) wanting to enlist in the draft for the war of 1812. When told he could not, he actually fought with the recruitment agents to prove his fitness. We find in our family histories and in our national histories a kind of defiance, if harnessed correctly, that can give us the boost we need, a reminder that we are a great people on a planet with great people; fearless people who persevere.
My favorite poet is the late Louise McNeill, who until her death was the poet laureate of WV. No, she is not a relative, as far as we know, but one of my cousins thinks we might be through the pioneer John McNeel, who built that barn that did not impress my Italian friend all that much.
But her family and my family were friends and intermarried over the years. Their land was downriver from ours. Occasionally, Ms. McNeill would get mail actually intended for my mother and pass it on. She wrote with a love of the land and its people with clarity and a passion. In that love, she looked for and found eternal truths. And she put things into perspective as she does in this poem. Like her, I remember my grandfather finding Shawnee arrowheads in his garden when he plowed.
One of the wonders of WV is that on the top of its highest mountains, foothills to the California Sierra, you can find fossils of long-dead sea creatures. Those mountaintops were once the bottoms of long-disappeared oceans. How is that for perspective?
AS A HILL-CHILD
As a hill-child hunting cows where the rock-cliffs shaded,
In the limestone rock I saw seashells, deep-embedded.
As a barefoot mountain child walking down the ridges,
In the road cuts I could see coal ferns on the edges.
As a hill-child hoeing corn slowly down the furrow,
Once I found the pointed spear of a Shawnee arrow.
Changing earth and changing time---Life-in-process moving
Upward from the pits of slim, rank on rank of living---
Where the Spirit of the Vast, here in silence ranging,
Moved the oceans of the past---change that is still changing.
STAY SAFE—CARE FOR ONE ANOTHER—BE OBEDIENT