The Acceptance of Affection is Important
THE ACCEPTANCE OF EMPATHY IS EVEN MORE SO
It has been a long time since I have entered something on my blog. Thank you to those of you who enquired. It reminds me of an old joke about a boy who seemed unable to speak. His parents sent him to every expert in the country, but to no avail. One day, when he was six years old, he spit out his food at the dinner table and exclaimed, “Yuck, these peas are awful.” In the stunned silence that followed, one of his family finally said, “We didn’t think you could talk. Why didn’t you speak before?” He responded, “Well, up until now everything has been fine.”
Well, up until now I have not had the time to make further contributions. I have not been idle. I am well into my second book, Love’s Better Direction: Allowing Healing in the Emotional World. My preface is posted elsewhere on my website here… https://www.aspiringtokindness.com/emotionalworld. Click on “View Work in Progress”.
I would also call your attention to some changes and additions in the “Redecision Therapy” category here…https://www.aspiringtokindness.com/redecision-therapy. If you go there, you will find the latest iteration of my Injunctive Messages Charts. Click on “Injunctive Messages Master Tables,” you will see them in their improved state. If you click on “Friends of the IM charts,” it contains my latest writing about the material.
From AIAI to ASAS
Central to the transformation of Type A Behavior (TAB) are the four letters: AIAI. These stand for, ANGER, IRRITATION, AGGRAVATION, and IMPATIENCE. To distinguish minor expressions of irritation or frustration from what occurs in TAB, we refer to “attacks” of AIAI. What we mean by this is that when someone afflicted with TAB becomes hostile (as opposed to the emotion of anger), he or she exhibits all four of these states. It is why someone can become so inexplicably aroused over such a small stimulus, such as being stuck in traffic or getting a cup of cold coffee.
We use the word, “attack,” because of the speed with which the AIAI engulfs the person. Just as sneezing is not a choice, this appears true of someone having an attack of AIAI. Now, the goal is to empower and educate people so that they no longer have attacks of AIAI in situations where it seemed normal. That is, we seek to create a choice where there did not seem to have one before. And that goal can be attained, because attacks of AIAI are not like sneezing in that one can create the skill to withstand and replace the old habit. Attacks of AIAI are habits that seem “natural” to the person. “How else would you expect to respond to an insult like that? He almost killed me by cutting me off!” It feels like a sneeze, but one can learn to respond differently. In the terms of the Type A modification program here is the goal of treatment:
To convert attacks of
AIAI
To what we call
ASAS
Just as AIAI stands for ANGER, IRRITATION, AGGRAVATION and IMPATIENCE, ASAS stands for:
A: The ACCEPTANCE of the trivial errors of self and others
S: A sense of SELF-ESTEEM that is separate from current events
A: The ACCEPTANCE of AFFECTION
S: SERENITY as defined by the ability to soothe oneself internally
Here are a few observations stemming from having taught this material for over thirty years. For some reason these eight letters and what they stand for are hard to remember. I have had participants in group treatment for twenty years who will blanche if I ask them to tell me what each letter stands for. AIAI is easier to remember, but the key is in being able to apply ASAS to situations.
The word “trivial” is key in the first “A,” the ACCEPTANCE OF THE TRIVIAL ERRORS OF SELF AND OTHERS. When someone has had an attack of AIAI, he will defend the extremeness of his aggressiveness and explain why it was so important to be so upset. He will tell you the event justified his level of arousal.
Here is the important point. We offer a very concrete definition of what is trivial: “Anything you won’t remember five years from now.” It is not uncommon for someone to respond, “Five years! I don’t remember what I was raging about two weeks ago.” Exactly. This is the new rule that is designed to bring perspective to one’s life. It is a game changer: YOU ARE NOT TO BECOME UPSET BY ANYTHING YOU WILL NOT REMEMBER IN FIVE YEARS.”
The concept about self-esteem is no less monumental. For people afflicted by TAB, it seems normal to them that their self-esteem seems to travel up and down, not unlike the stock market. They have believed that good self-esteem is like being at “the top of the market.” It does not seem strange to them to implicitly believe that self-esteem is inextricably attached to performance. Therefore, so many with this affliction feel a constant pressure to do more and more in less and less time. This is the genesis of Time Urgency.
Properly understood self-esteem is a constant, a dependable base that is there on the good days and especially on the bad days. It does not waver because it is based on constants in a person’s life, such as courage, honor, effort, honesty, and other durable character traits. It has no connection to any aspiration after perfection. It is based on the memory of how much one has accomplished, but, even more importantly, the memory of how many hardships one has overcome. Its presence inspires confidence.
The concept of finding SERENITY amid upsetting events is almost impossible to conceive for someone afflicted with TAB. It begins to make a little more sense when he or she begins to understand that their attacks of AIAI are a best attempt at soothing themselves, if irritating and upsetting to those close-by. It’s true. In West Virginia (where I come from), we had a saying, “I might be dumb, but I’m not stupid.” If I am hitting myself in the head with a hammer, it is serving some purpose that is not all bad. Ok, I have a headache all the time, but that headache also reassures me in some manner, “It tells me I have tried my hardest.” That soothes me.
Our goal in this matter to teach more effective and less destructive skills of self-soothing so that a person could be in the words of Emerson:
“It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”
All the foregoing has been to bring us to the item on the list of ASAS, a behavior that is profoundly difficult with TAB: the ACCEPTANCE OF AFFECTION. Interestingly, it also appears to be the item on this short list that is most difficult to remember that it is even important. It does not “stick” readily to the “Type A mind.”
In the “World” of TAB, everything is conditional and comparative. There is a widespread misconception that we constantly correct: RECOGNITION AND APPROVAL ARE NOT AFFECTION.
The defining difference is that one can earn recognition and approval. They are conditional upon performance. Affection is unconditional and cannot be earned. Appreciation can be earned. If you make someone rich, that person might appreciate you with generous compliments, but sneer at you behind your back. The same goes for recognition, respect, and approval. They never, in themselves connote affection.
Empathy
As difficult as it is for someone with TAB to accept affection, there is one vital healing element that offers an even more daunting challenge: the ACCEPTANCE OF EMPATHY.
In his writings Dr. Friedman would often cite the paradox of men with TAB being able to give and receive affection from pets:
“Yes, the Type A can give loyalty, he can bring humor, he can feel concern, but he too often shies away from the verbal expression of love---or least of human love, for he can love and freely receive the love of various animal pets. A strange paradox. (p. 39)*”
If my dear friend was alive today, he and I could have a lively conversation about what I have come to believe regarding affection and empathy. I would tell him that I believe people with TAB are able to accept affection from other humans if it resembles the affection of a pet. A dog can deliver affection just as a fan can deliver a welcome breeze. It is a pleasure to receive both.
Neither the fan nor the dog can deliver empathy; that is to “know” what someone else is feeling by feeling it themselves. Sympathy sees what is on the surface and responds to what it sees. Dogs have become keen observers of when humans close to them are in distress and have learned to respond. This can be a beneficial form of sympathetic affection. It is not empathy.
Many people have ritualized responses to sympathy from expressions of appreciation to feelings of resentment. The problem with sympathy is that there is often an element of pity and attention only to the immediate affliction. Sympathy says, “I see what you are feeling.” Empathy says, “I feel what you are feeling.” Sympathy says, “I am outside looking in.” Empathy says, “I am inside feeling the same as you.”
Receiving sympathy requires no movement into feeling vulnerable. Indeed, many people respond instantaneously to sympathy or surface affection with hostility. “I don’t need your sympathy,” or “You don’t need to feel sorry for me.” Empathy invites a person to feel their vulnerability amidst their heartache. This is the rub for people with TAB.
One way to understand TAB is to look at what it seeks to accomplish, either consciously or unconsciously: to be “Bullet Proof.” After all, TAB came to be a habit in a person’s life because it helped to shield the person from their early belief: “There is something wrong with me.” This early belief created a devastating vulnerability and was unremitting. Great relief came to the person when they discovered some form of agency, some source of power to prove the belief wrong. It worked, so the behaviors that created that agency got repeated over and over anytime life seemed to present them with the idea that they were somehow flawed.
Why else would someone turn away offers of unconditional love, affirmation, and acceptance? Because those offerings threaten the person with the invitation to feel vulnerable, “weak,” and that was always a source of pain, not comfort.
Paradoxically, TAB is not a sign of strength and confidence, but of a vulnerability seeking to be hidden. It is not proof of self-esteem, but evidence that the solid footing for self-esteem is missing. The “real” goal of TAB is not to show the world what wonderful and superior self-esteem one possesses, but an attempt to hide the fact that the emperor has no clothes. Where you find TAB, you will find fragile self-esteem, even if that fact is unknown to the person. “How can you tell me I have low self-esteem? I’m a vice president of this bank.” Why else would someone erupt with rage or impatience over trivial issues (Anything not remembered in five years)?
Sympathy at its best is a kind gesture that may or may not be helpful to someone in their distress. Empathy, on the other hand, offers surcease for one’s current suffering and the suffering that has come before. Sympathy says, “Tell me if there is anything I can do,” while empathy says, “I am with you in your pain, you are not alone or abandoned.”
It is difficult for someone who has sought to be bullet-proof to accept empathy. “Are you trying to get me to feel sad?” “Do you think I am weak or can’t take care of myself?” “That was a long time ago and I don’t think about it any longer. It’s over.” “Why should you care?” And the list goes on.
To the response, “I don’t need your sympathy,” I will say, “I’m not offering sympathy. I am feeling empathy as we are talking.” The person may ask, “What’s the difference?” I say, “Sympathy wants to take away your pain and make you feel better. I’m not trying to make you feel better. I’m feeling empathy as I am feeling what you are feeling.” To which the person might say, “Well, you certainly are not taking away my pain.” And I will respond, “Yes, I know. I wish I could. I can see how deep it is.”
I don’t mean to trash sympathy. It is a fine thing especially when sincere and without any aspect of pity. Genuine sympathy wants to effect a change in the person’s mood, often by offering a reassuring future, “You’ll feel better soon.” Empathy is an invitation into the Emotional World. It is an invitation to share current experience and to be heard and understood. It is an invitation to allow vulnerability to be present in the moment. It is an invitation to feel that someone else is emotionally in your shoes, even if they can’t be physically.
Type A men and women are very receptive to a certain sort of affection, especially if it has the tinge of approval or admiration. There is a passing warmth in the air of bonhomie that is very acceptable. It is acceptable because affection served up like that evokes little vulnerability.
It is a different level of challenge for a person with TAB to accept the profound warmth and love available in empathy, the willingness of someone else to cease from the busyness of their lives and be with them in their suffering or their joy. It is the opposite of believing, “There is something wrong with me and I must hide it,” which is the essential feature of TAB.
The new belief is, “I need empathy because I choose not to be alone in either my suffering or my joy.” Sympathy is handy to have around when things are tough. At least it gives you something to say. It doesn’t have much to add in times of joy or everyday happiness. Empathy says, “You don’t have to be alone in either one. Someone is sharing it with you”
The ACCEPTANCE OF EMPATHY says, “Thanks.”
* Treating Type A Behavior and Your Heart, by Meyer Friedman and Dian Ulmer