The Three Worlds: Survival, Emotional, and Practical
THE ORIGIN OF THIS THREE-PART CONCEPT
It would be fair to say that I have conducted 50,000 plus hours involved in some form of psychotherapy; individual, couples, or group. Of that number, it is also fair to say that I have conducted groups for the modification of Type A Behavior (TAB) for 8,000 or more of those hours. Both would be good guesses.
Somewhere in the first two or three thousand hours of TAB groups I began to notice a pattern. The vast majority of the participants in my groups were men, but not exclusively. By that time it was clear to me that people afflicted with TAB were more handicapped in some areas than in others.
Just so we are on the same page, TAB is only TWO things: an impatience to move people or events more quickly than is actually possible and a smoldering anger that can erupt unexpectedly even over the smallest issues; especially over small issues. These two components are called Time Urgency (TU) and Free-Floating Hostility (FFH).
Most people don’t know this correct definition. When I ask a room of fifty people for the definition, I routinely get fifty different versions of a wrong answer: “Someone successful,” “Someone male,” “A really driven person,” “A perfectionist,” and so on. Oh, and it is important to point out that it is Type A BEHAVIOR, not personality. In short, TAB is just one thing: habit.
There is one other important myth. “Well, I think I have some TAB, but I’m mostly Type B.” Sorry. The thing that diagnoses a Type B as a Type B is not any personality trait. It is the near total absence of TAB even in the most stressful situation. “If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck…….”
So, after working with these folks under the auspices of the Meyer Friedman Institute, I concluded that, as a group, they were really star performers in two areas and deeply deficient in another. I came to call these three areas “Worlds”: “The Survival World” (SW), “The Emotional World” (EW) and “The Practical World” (PW). It is not hard for one to guess where my participants excelled and where they were basically clueless.
People with TAB are terrific to have around in case of an emergency (Survival World). Think about it. They are accustomed to being adrenalized and they focus really well in that state. They like taking charge and being in control. So, when the SW shows up, they show no hesitancy in taking action. This proves especially true if someone else is the emergency.
The one place in this world where they come up short is when they are in a situation where they are the ones who need immediate attention. “Oh, I think this is just heartburn. If I still feel bad in an hour, I’ll get some help.” “I think the pain in my left arm is just my arthritis acting up.” I have a lot of examples of people who said something like that an hour before passing away. Type A’s tend to live in denial around their mortality.
They often tend to be champions in the Practical World as well. They tend to be driven, obsessive, controlling, and perfectionistic. The PW offers them many satisfactions, as the outcomes there are measurable, comparable and concrete. They love facts and information. It is a quid pro quo world and is often competitive. This plays to a Type A’s strengths. It is also a world that offers approval and recognition. This is so appealing to them that they often injure their own health or vital relationships because they are drawn to spend too much time there.
Where they fail spectacularly is in the Emotional World. Feelings are not fungible or even measurable for that matter. Even worse, facts and “the truth” are of minimal, if any, value in this world. Facts do not convey empathy. More often, facts say, “I’m right, you’re wrong.” They do what is intuitive when this world appears: they use the skills of the other two worlds. Most of the time, they don’t even know it is there because of their tendency toward hostility anytime they feel even the slightest emotional arousal.
This is not to say they are not kind-hearted or caring. As a group, they are and also very likable. I am and I had all the markers for TAB when I met Dr. Friedman and joined his Institute (See the preface to my book elsewhere on this website: Aspiring to Kindness: Transforming Male Type A Behavior). They just do not know how to enact those traits when the Emotional World is in the room. They often go nuclear (SW) or cold (PW). Staying warm and comforting when the EW appears is not intuitive or an established habit pattern.
So, I made it my ambition to train all of my Type A folk about the EW and what to do when it appears. Somewhere in this process, according to my notes, I came up with the following model in the middle to late 1990’s.
People who are afflicted with TAB do life “sideways,” not top-to-bottom. They just do what is in front of them, not what is most important. All of life is in a hierarchy. One thing is either more or less important than something else. This is why so many devoted people with TAB neglect their families. They don’t mean to neglect them. They love them. There were just other obligations to meet. They were “stacking paper clips” all morning instead of doing what was at the top of the hierarchy, so that come evening: “Honey, I’m afraid I have to stay late at work tonight, really slammed.” No, he didn’t. He just needed to have done what was important first. People with TAB confuse busyness with fruitfulness. “If I’m stressed out and working furiously, I must be about something important.” No, not necessarily.
It is intuitive that the Survival World is at the top of this hierarchy. If grandpa is choking (SW), no one says, “We will tend to him later. We don’t want dinner to get cold.” No, someone hops up and does the Heimlich maneuver. If all goes well everyone returns to the meal, no questions asked about the interruption.
In this chart, the EW comes next in the hierarchy. This chart does not refer to life in general, when we are out among mostly strangers or people with whom we have little or no bond. The important words here are, AFFECTION and CHOICE. We can have instances of EW contact with anyone; the grieving teenager next to us on a airplane or the co-worker down the hall who has just lost her dog. This is our charity at work, our warmth and kindness.
The EW represents a commitment to a very few individuals in our lives with whom we share affection and whom we have chosen of our own free will. No one forces us into our ongoing EW commitments. No one can. Someone could enslave me but could not compel me to feel affection in that enforced position; even if feigned.
Here is an important truth, one that is not necessarily obvious: The EW requires a lot of time and dedicated effort. This is why we can only “do” the EW with very few people.
People (lots of TA men) with little understanding of the EW argue with me that I have the hierarchy in the wrong order; that the PW should be second in order with the EW at the bottom. Their argument is cogent, if flawed. It is based on the belief that contentment and fulfillment in the EW is an outcome. Ergo, if you live in a nice home in a nice neighborhood and drive a nice car, you should be happy. If the PW circumstances are good, the EW should resemble that fact.
This chart is not a statement of values as though one World is more important than another. It is instructive and corrective. In those relationships based on affection, choice, and commitment, the EW is second in the hierarchy because we need to care about our own emotional wellbeing and that of the people we love. This is important. TAB does not only exclude sufficient care of our loved ones but also of our own emotional welfare.
The PW is of huge importance. We have to make life work, pay bills, feed the children, and keep schedules. When the pipes break and threaten to flood the house, the PW becomes not only important, but compelling. All hands on deck. But in the main, it is the foundation of life. Good care of the PW (heath insurance) protects from unneeded adventures into the SW. In conditions of starvation, the needs of the EW are not relevant.
In the same way, competence in the PW provides the security in which the EW can thrive. It is difficult to enjoy a party with family and friends knowing that tomorrow the house will be repossessed.
In the following blogs, I will discuss the three Worlds in greater detail and what “satisfies” each World. I will also talk about the skills of recognition and switching; the ability to know which world is present and how to “switch” into it. I hope it is obvious from the above that for most Type A folk, the greatest challenge is the ability to recognize the presence of the EW, to know how to switch into it and to know what to do once there.
Here are the Axioms that apply to all of the Three Worlds:
1. What satisfies one World will not satisfy another.
2. One cannot be proficient in a particular World without proper information, instruction and modeling.
3. If one lacks expertise in one World, it will be intuitive to borrow the skills of another World.
There is much more to follow.
If you wish you may access infinitely detailed information about the THREE WORLDS by going to “The Emotional World Chart” or “Axioms” contained elsewhere on this website.