A Training Session in Ukraine (August 29, 2025: Remembrance Day)

THE NEW PARENTAL VOICE THAT IS PROTECTIVE WITH AGENCY, LOVE AND COMMON SENSE

As many of you know from reading my blog that I possess a wonderful privilege in life. Every month or every other month I spend two hours on zoom with my friends and colleagues in Ukraine. I like to say that I do my best to help them with their PTSD so that they can extend that grace to their many clients, all of whom have been touched by the brutal and illegal war being waged against their country. We have been on this journey together since shortly after the outbreak of the war. More than three years now.

They asked me before our most recent session if I could talk in more detail about the concept of the New Parental Voice (NPV) that is Protective. For those of you familiar with the charts that is the title of the last column on the right side of the odd numbered pages. I was more than happy to do this.

The creation of a NPV that is protective is vital because it fills a void. When life’s random or intentional events (being fired, being cut off in traffic, being criticized, being excluded, being disappointed, etc.) take place they frequently stimulate an unidentified Injunctive Message (IM). In an instance such as this it is intuitive to feel the responding Despairing Decision (“No one loves me,” “I’m a failure,” “Life is never safe,” etc.) in response to this stimulus.

At that point, one of two things takes place. If one has no knowledge of their Injunctive Messages, having never been identified, then there will be no sense of conflict with the Despairing Decision, only a familiar feeling of dread. That person will have no voice to protect them from the brutal falsehoods that are now flooding their thinking.

In that moment the only “parental figure” they might have to turn to is the Injunctive Message itself. That sounds very strange, but it is true. “I don’t feel as if I should be here.” And the Injunctive Message will say, “I have communicated that to you many times.”

It is not unlike feeling lonely and disliked and asking your worst enemy, “Do you like me?” The only recourse in that situation is to summon the power and courage contained in the Defiant Decision; some form of “I’ll show you someday” which brings a modicum of relief.

On the other hand, if the person can identify those same Despairing Decisions as being artifacts of a recognized Injunctive Message they will not turn to it to ask for something it cannot provide. Never ask the DON’T (ever) MAKE IT Injunctive Message, “How am I doing?” You will not receive comfort. Indeed, you will receive the exact opposite.

In this situation, the person needs to recall the Unsuspected/ Unknown Truths they have been integrating, as well as the Resolving Activities they have been practicing. Then they can call on their developing NPV. This voice has agency (able and unafraid to stand up to the falsehood of the IM). This voice knows the power of love and advocates seeking it out and remembering moments of expressed love. And this voice has common sense, meaning it is friends with the world as it is and does not issue naïve assertions where reality is concerned.

In this way, the NPV is quite different from popular imagination about what provides an effective nurturing parental voice. Many people imagine it speaking in platitudes or empty promises while demonstrating little wisdom and even less agency. “You will feel better soon.” “They didn’t mean it.” “Oh, you poor thing.” “Let’s see what we can do to make it better.”

Those might be worthy encouragements for a child but are hardly a match for the level of distress caused by the IMs. And they often seek to comfort by alluding to a future state, “Don’t worry, you will find a job soon, you’ll get pregnant again, etc.,” offering nothing of a reassuring presence. Phrases such as these, as well intentioned as they might be, remind me of what Bishop Creighton once said describing a woman he knew, “She is as good as gold and fit for heaven, but of little earthly use.” The NPV does not offer a sugar cube to someone in need of protein.

Bromides cannot change a circumstance or reality. The NPV is similar in that it cannot change or alter reality. It cannot fix the Practical World. It cannot reverse misfortune. If we have been fired, we are fired. If my home has blown up, it is no longer there. If my fortune has been stolen it is gone. If someone has hurt my feelings, they are hurt 

However, the NPV is a presence that does not know the defeat of spirit or of courage. Following unutterable hardship, it can remind us that we still maintain our gifts, all the things that have brought us so far in life are still here.

When informed upon returning to his village, the founder of Methodism, John Wesley was informed his home, and all his possessions had burned in his absence. His family had been spared. In response, he said, “Oh good. Now I have fewer of God’s possessions to feel responsible for.” I feel certain he was devastated at one level. Who would not be? But in that moment, he demonstrated he had a voice within him that helped him to place things in their proper perspective.

The parental voice within us cannot protect us from the sure suffering of the world but it is no stranger to it and knows it is not within our power to prevent. It can catch us in those moments and remind us of what is truly important and remind us of our courage. The harsh reality captured by Albert Ellis is hopeful and true, “Whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” Or, at least, it can.

The NPV is a voice that is present in the moment without vacuous promises about the future. As one man once said of a hollow promise, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it is raining.” It is with us, not ahead of us and it is not whispering nonsense to us.

In the process of identifying and resolving our most potent IMs, we do not become “Bullet proof,” where we no longer feel hurt by life events. Nonsense. We are more able to see these events and our responses as normal, if painful. We are protected from the idea that these events are confirmation of the falsehoods of the Injunctive Messages. This protects us from having to turn to the Defiant Decisions that are closely followed by the Coping Behaviors to regain temporary equilibrium.

We now have a different way. We can apply the truths (Unknown and Unsuspected) that render the falsehoods harmless because we have a parental voice that will help us put the moment in its proper perspective. That is a real gift and only comes from diligent work. Remember the phrase, “It will be one of the hardest things you will ever do.” Replacing an ancient falsehood with truth is one of those tasks.

See if you find yourself deeply touched by the following vignette taken from Taking Flight by Anthony de Mello, S.J.

“My friend isn’t back from the battlefield, sir. Request permission to go out and get him.”

“Permission refused,” said the officer. “I don’t want you to risk your life for a man who is probably dead.”

The soldier went, all the same, and an hour later, came back mortally wounded, carrying the corpse of his friend.

 The officer was furious. “I told you he was dead. Now I’ve lost both of you. Tell me, was it worth going out there to bring in a corpse?”

 The dying man replied, “Oh, it was, sir. When I got to him, he was still alive. And he said to me, ‘Jack, I was sure you’d come.’”

 One can argue if the soldier made the right decision. For us the story is not a recommendation to foolishly risk our lives. The key in the vignette is a certain quality we wish to have in our own NPV. The certainty that it will appear when we need it, that we can be sure “it will come” for us. It is the reassurance that in our most bitter despair, we will not be abandoned by what we need most. Or lacking our own NPV in that moment we know where or to whom to turn.

 The foregoing is a reminder of an adage known to many of us: “In dire circumstances, we find out who are our true friends. They are the ones coming in the door while everyone else is going out.”

 This is the essence of what I was wanting to convey to my Ukrainian colleagues. War delivers every single Injunctive Message, especially those from the Survival category. In my attempt I went through all twenty-five Despairing Decisions and their corresponding NPVs. Here are a few examples, one from each category of IMs:

DON’T EXIST (Survival) 

DESPAIR: “No one loves or cares about me.”

NEW PARENT: “Protect your life by seeking love and compassion.”

DON’T BE A CHILD (Attachment) 

DESPAIR: “I can never be little.”

NEW PARENT: “Allow other people to have the gift of caring for you (in the Emotional World). 

DON’T BE YOU (Identity) 

DESPAIR: “I am unacceptable.”

NEW PARENT: “Know and love yourself for you will be you all your life.”

DON’T GROW UP (Competence) 

DESPAIR: “I feel lost and never know what to do.”

NEW PARENT: Accept the influence & inspiration of wise and kind people.”

DON’T BE HAPPY (Security)

DESPAIR: “Life is sad.”

NEW PARENT: “Happiness follows the pursuit of contentment.”

These are instructions from the NPV as well as philosophical mandates to ponder. Their presence in a person’s head give an immediate protection from the abuse from the voice of the IM. It is the abuse contained in the IM that generates the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. Lacking the NPV it is easy to understand engaging the Defiant Decision and the Coping Behaviors to feel relief.

 It is entirely possible that I owe my friends in Ukraine an apology. I may have unwittingly taken them hostage by going through all twenty-five IMs. I am sorry if that was a bit overwhelming and not a little boring. Not many of us likes having long lists read to us.

 PAGES NINE AND TEN OF THE CHARTS AND MORE RED INK 

However, I am glad I did so for the simple fact that I found some of the NPVs lacking, especially in the Security category. So, I had time this week and devoted some hours to studying all the NPVs and particularly the ones in that last category. As you will see from the familiar red ink, I altered a good amount of text on pages nine and ten.

I like the changes. I am always quick to emphasize that when I make these changes, I am not implying that what came before was incorrect. I am saying I believe I have found words that more powerfully describe the dilemma on the left side of the charts and the words that promote healing and agency more effectively on the right 

Remember, the characteristics that best define the nature of the left side of the charts are MISERY and STRUGGLE. The misery is caused by believing the falsehoods contained in the Injunctive Messages. The struggle emanates from the continued use of the Coping Behaviors, which help us fight back against the feeling of despair, but do not resolve it. It is the struggle of Sisyphus.

The characteristics that best define the nature of the right side of the charts are CONTENTMENT and ACCEPTANCE. The pursuit of contentment is an obtainable goal in life. The pursuit of all our expectations combined with the false belief that attainment will bring profound emotional satisfaction is a myth. Acceptance is the realization of that fact and allows us to deal with life as it is and not how we wish it to be now or in the future. Learning the skill of acceptance and the pursuit of contentment are necessary keys to healing.

There are two things I like best about the changes I am sending to you. The first has to do with the two Injunctive Messages: DON’T ENJOY & DON’T BE GRATEFUL. These are distinct messages but for the longest time the Coping Behaviors and the Defiant Decisions appeared to overlap. I believe you will discover they now stand apart. That is good.

My second “discovery” was inspired by my late colleague Virginia Price who would often say, “No gratefulness, no happiness.” This was instructive because so many people believe that being grateful is a future state that will exist when they have attained whatever goal they were seeking. Unfortunately, by the time one gets to that enchanted spot they might be more habituated to being ungrateful as opposed to feeling grateful. Oops.

We must pursue the correct things to have the outcome we desire. C. S. Lewis talked about the pursuit of feeling comfortable in life. He said if you make comfort your primary goal, you will never attain it. But if you make the search for truth your goal you will indeed find it and you will find comfort too. Only the comfort you find will be profoundly different from the comfort you imagined when it was your primary goal.

In this way, there are three things reflected in the revisions on page nine that represent what one must pursue to gain something deeply desired. If one comes to believe that joy exists, then it is found when seeking wisdom and solace. Learning to feel thankful is a prerequisite to feeling contentment. And finally, seeking to feel contentment is necessary to finding and feeling happiness when it visits us fleetingly.

I say fleetingly because I remember a story handed down to me by people who knew Fritz Perls personally. Fritz (who founded Gestalt Therapy) received his education in his native Germany. As World War II was still on the distant horizon, he and two of his colleagues were told to decide among the three of them which one would accept a position in South Africa. None of them wanted to go so they drew straws.

Ironically, Fritz drew “the short straw” and went to South Africa which saved his life when the holocaust descended upon Germany. He did much of his writing while there and immigrated to the United States as an older man. Observing US culture as an outsider he was struck by the American obsession with happiness and the unspoken hope it could be a steady state in life.

As a contrast, he gave an example from his own life recounting when he experienced a common occurrence for an elderly man, he could not void his bladder. After many frustrating hours he went to the hospital where he was catharized, bringing instantaneous relief.

 Of that moment, he said it was the “happiest of my life.” He could not remember a moment filled with such happiness. The moment did not last or come to characterize his life from that moment on. In this way he sought to explain the futility of making that sort of “happiness” a constant state.

 The beauty of the pursuit of contentment is that it prepares us to be fully present when that blip of happiness occurs. The same is true of joy if we do not make it our goal. As C. S. Lewis also said, “Joy is not under our control.” You can be available when it takes place but you cannot schedule it on your calendar.

 I can faithfully report that I have had frequent encounters with joy (and suffering), maybe more than my fair share. But I have never been able to arise on any morning knowing in advance I would feel joy on that day; any more than I could know I was about to be drawn into great suffering.

 After all, it was Saint Paul who reported while being held in prison that he had been both rich and poor in his life and that he was able to feel contentment in all situations. I don’t think he was glad to be in jail. None of us wishes to be a victim of unjust hardship.

 Cautiously I will tell you that I do not foresee large swaths of red in the charts in the future. With this intense concentration on pages nine and ten, I have satisfied many of my discontents, the feeling that it was ok but not quite right. Obviously, I am helpless to restrain my brain from further tweaks. Impossible is impossible.

 The goal of the charts is to provide a pathway to identify and then resolve those IM’s that would compromise our survival, that would make it impossible for us to have intimacy if we desire it, or that would rob us of confidence in our sense of identity or our sense of being competent in the world.

 As those challenges are resolved, it brings us to the final pages, nine and ten. It is a worthwhile goal to live most of our lives on the right side of both of those pages with the confidence we can resolve the issues in the previous eight pages when life inevitably stimulates those archaic messages. The relief is not, “Oh, good I’m done with that.” Instead, it is, “Ah, I recognize what I am saying in my head that is not true, and I know how to get back to the right side of the page.”

 It is possible that my friends in Ukraine were not as bored with my presentation as I feared. I hope not. It might be that as I got to those last two pages, I found myself bored with what I felt was an inadequacy of those NPV’s. Whichever that might be, I came away feeling determined to improve the product. That’s good.

 I close this article with the following excerpt from The New Yorker, May 16, 2005. I believe it captures much of the wisdom contained in pages nine and ten. It is also a poignant reminder in a time in history that is characterized by the hoarding of money by so few and in doing so keeping it away from so many. In hearing that the world might soon have it first trillionaire, Pope Leo XVI said plaintively, “What is that all about?” Indeed.

Joe Heller

True story, Word of honor.
Joseph Heller, an important and funny writer,
now dead,
and I were at a party given by a billionaire
on Shelter Island.
I said, “Joe, how does it make you feel
to know that our host only yesterday
may have made more money
than your novel, Catch 22,
has earned in its entire history?”
And joe said, “I’ve got something he can never have.”
And I said, “What on earth could that be, Joe?”
And Joe said, “The knowledge that I’ve got enough.”
Not bad! Rest in peace!

Kurt Vonnegut

THIS BRIEF ARTICLE IS DEDICATED WITH LOVE AND ADMIRATION TO MY FRIENDS AND COLLEAGUES IN UKRAINE. YOU INSPIRE ME.

DYAKUYU
YA LYUBLYU TEBE 

October 4, 2025
Text: 650 387 1414
Email: jrmcneel44@gmail.com